As I write this there is a pesky bead of sweat in my hairline that is just itching to make the same journey as its predecessors. It’s doing its luge-like back and forth preparations before it takes off and slides down my right temple. What he clearly does not know is how quick I was to swipe away his forbearers before they hit my cheekbones. His fate will be no different. This will be no joyride.
I have been practically making-out with the fan all morning. No matter how much it flutters my cheeks and wind-styles my hair I keep going back for more. Being that this is perhaps the most hateful summer on record the only words that can express my feelings towards a sluggish a/c unit remain entirely as expletives. Were this winter, I would happily curl up next to it and call it a heater. Which is why there is now another bead of sweat gathering up momentum to take the ride of its life.
Walking to the shops only presents a more optimal occasion for the sweat bead face races to take place and what with my hands tied up with bags they can run a free course. I can just hear than shouting Weeeeeeeee! as they take off. It’s not attractive, it’s not pleasant and it’s even worse when I run. Oh hateful, hateful summer!
All this sweating and fan wooing does not present the best conditions for turning on the oven but what’s a gal to do? Eat cold salads until September? Probably. But not me. Oh, no masochist that I am I have been sweating over the stove too. Only my cravings have slightly changed and here I find myself desperately wanting something salty- something to replenish my electrolytes, which have been forming puddles on floors, sidewalks and parks across New York.
My answer to a salt craving? A good extra strong cheddar- nothing musky or grassy but something bold, tangy and sharp. You will know the kind I’m talking of when you put a slither in your mouth and find a compulsion to suck rather than chew. These are flapjacks, of sorts- they use butter, oats and cheese and plenty of it. They will not help you get bikini ready by then end of next week or even next year but they will give you inordinate amounts of glee- perhaps even more than a chocolate cake. Because if there’s one thing more divine than a good strong-aged cheddar, it’s a melted one.
This is not a healthy recipe and probably not one that belongs on Sweet by Half but I just couldn’t turn my back on it. They’re crunchy, their ballsy and they’ll have you dreaming of all sorts of things you could top with them. A chilli con carne, an sweet apple pie, some savory muffins….When it is cool enough to have the oven on in longer than twenty minute increments I will give them all a try. They are crunchy, slightly chewy and their only redeeming health factor is that there is absolutely zilcho sugar in them. That’s zero, nill or none, for all you English majors out there. Now if you can pardon me, I have some sweat beads to take care of.
No sugar!
25g/1/4 cup rolled oats
50g/ ½ cup quick (porridge) oats (not instant)
50g/scant ½ cup whole wheat (wholemeal) flour
150g/generous 5 oz strong hard cheese, grated (such as Parmesan or aged Gouda)
2 tsp fresh thyme leaves
50g/2 oz butter
30g/1/4 cup sesame seeds
1 egg, lightly beaten
• Heat the oven to 350F/180C/Gas 4. Grease and line the bottom of a small baking tin (7 x 7 inches square or similar rectangle)
• Mix together all of the dry ingredients and herbs in a medium- sized bowl
• In a small frying pan melt the butter over a gentle heat and then turn up the temperature and add the sesame seeds. Swirl the pan until you can smell the butter browning and the sesame seeds roasting. Add straight to your dry ingredients along with your egg and mix until fully combined.
• Press into your tin evenly and bake in the oven for 30 minutes, turning in the oven once or until golden brown. Cut the bars immediately but then allow to cool fully in the pan before removing.
